| Friday, October 10th, 2008 |
| 8:27 pm |
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| Saturday, April 19th, 2008 |
| 4:20 pm |
All right Ak people
I dont know how many of you check this anymore thats why I did not post this sooner. TONIGHT is the fetish ball In anchorage at Mad Mernas. if you would like to join I think its $10 at the door not to sure. But I will be there and haveing fun who knows maybe I will see some of you there. later |
| Sunday, March 16th, 2008 |
| 2:29 pm |
a smile a wing and some hope
all most saint pattys day I find my self siting around the house alone. once I would be upset to be alone like this. but now I smile I turn up my music and dance with my self feeling the happy beat pounding out in my ears. the rythem of my life comeing back to me showing me of the things to come. for a while I sat around the house or out with my friends torn up over the events in my life and everyday I come to terms with more and more of them I am now happy to be alone. I am learning who I am and what I WANT. so wing it as I allways do and enjoy every moment of it. I hope things keep geting better for me. I turn away drama I will not let people rob me of my peice of mind and so I smile and for the first time in far to long it feels real. I know people out there have a problem with me and things I have said or done and I am sorry to all of thouse but now my burdin has been lifed so you can forgive me or not the problem is not mine anymore. and thouse who know me best can feel the song of my life and heart and soul swing back in to the right key and pick up tempo. I guess it comes to this I have learned one thing "this above all to thine own self be true" and I will be. I have shed my tears I have torn my self up and now we move on. Current Mood:  excited |
| Sunday, March 2nd, 2008 |
| 4:38 pm |
one year
It is truely amazeing what can happon in a year.what has me thinking of this is today is the day that one year ago my world was turned up side down. the Giant of a man the unstopable one the true force I knew fell not by someone elses hand but by his own body. the thoughts of my father so weak and helpless still haunt me but time passes and he is stronger now more and more like the man I have allways looked up to. fear still holds me thinking back on thouse times knowing that at any moment his lungs could reject or a number of other things but we press on takeing each day as it comes and as a blessing. Much else has changed for years I have had my head stuck on the "group" my friends before everything to hold together something from high school back when with as much shit had happoned I can still look back fondly and say there where some wonderfull times. Yet now I can finnaly say in my heart of hearts that the group is no more and will never be what it was at first this thought brought sadness but now it brings a combfert all its own. I can now stand on my own and work out the problems that I have so long put off like being truely happy both in a crowed and with my self. so I put to rest my own hates and angers and am working twords that and its a path that sometimes hurts but its where I need to go and I am better with each passing day. anouther Big change over the last year has been Me ending a 4 year relaitionship with Bridget. that is still a wound but it is healing I have layed my cards out as best as I can and from the pain I caused her and my self I will become a better man. I am learning that as much as I wish to fix everything some things are just not in my power to do so and I think the emotional problems I have could not have been handle when I had someone like her to lean on and I did lean on her far more than I should. I have finnaly come to terms with the fact I am NOT the strong one actully I am the weakest persion I know I just put on a good show. In one years time I have seen a lot of the flaws in my self and am working to fix them I no longer have the right to tell others how to fix them self. But I work my way and in time I will become a man My father can be proud of. In one year I have become close to some and pushed away others tryed to reconect to the past and look to whats to come. faith keeps me going faith that this is just the start of anouther chapter of my story and I will great the world with a smile and the knollage that this to shall pass and in time all wounds heal and happyness is my guideing light. Current Mood: reflective |
| Saturday, March 1st, 2008 |
| 3:11 pm |
Ancy
I want to go out I want to dance I am going stur crazy Current Mood:  anxious |
| Saturday, February 16th, 2008 |
| 1:31 pm |
all right short and sweet I am geting people together tonight for my bday so far dont know what we are going just doing something may hit a bar who knows if your one of myh vally people call me if you want to join eather at 9073737026 or 907 7151644 |
| Friday, February 15th, 2008 |
| 1:05 pm |
its kinda odd
well as we all know it was the 14th yesterday and I have had an out standing tradtion of NOT partakeing in the valintines day hoopla. but it was a little odd for me this year even if I have not done anything for it over the last 4 years I allways had someone by my side. this year it was just me I mean granted I had friends about me but it was still just me if you get my point. everyone had someone but me. now mind you I am not whineing over my choices it was just interesting to watch all the lovey dovey stuff walking arouned. but what made it all odd was how little it afected me as of late I have been vary emo I wont lie about that it comes with any huge change in your life. so I was expecting a day of me being sad and or grumpy but yet I found my self all right not good and happy mind you but all right. hell I think if it would not have been for hearing it on the radio and it mentioned so much with my friends it would have completly pasted me by with out me giveing it a second thought. I mean I wont lie and say the thoughts of I wish I had her back did not cross my mind but no more than anyother day. So perhaps this it just anouther part of me fixing myself.after all I am better than I was yesterday but not as good as I will be tomarow. thank you all for takeing the time to read this random thought . peace be with you |
| Sunday, February 3rd, 2008 |
| 11:04 am |
flashback
So today started like any other day got up got a cup of coffee and started about my dayly wake up. till I steped out side and had a flash back to my year in fairbanks. my nose hairs froze my lungs screamed at me as I took a breath my hole boddy felt all most to cold to shiver. so I look at the temp hanging from my pourch its god damn -19 at 10 am in feb wtf. people talk about global warming and on mornings like this when I have to smoke out side I have only one thing I realy want to say to them global warming my ass. Current Mood:  annoyed |
| Tuesday, January 29th, 2008 |
| 12:53 am |
ok time to talk a bit
all right as you all know I have been in a relationship for the past four years with Bridget. I have ended this relationship not by some worng doing of hers but out of problems of my own. some of you all ready know this and have started makeing judments on how I did what I did. I will be the first to say it was dishonnorable and cowerdly leaving as I did so please I am beating my self up enought if you feel the need to tell me how much of a peace of shit I am dont I dont need the help. now that being said. I hurt her and I am aware of that even now theres a side of me that wishs I could take it back and cure the pain I have caused but I know better I betrayed her and her trust and I know that all to well and I can only hope that I can make amends and one day at least earn the tittle of friend. I am raw in emotions right now not sure if my choices where what I realy wanted but I will have to live with that and in time I to will heal. I have some who have given me suport and others who have yelled at me so I guess my return home has been biter sweet. this is the hardest brake up I have been in and yes it was my choice perhaps thats what makes it so hard. I mean in every other relationship at the end at least for a while I could say I hated or was mad to the point of not careing about the other stuff from Cass all the way back to beth my first girlfriend. this time I dont hate her I am not mad at her I cant even blame her for me leaving It is all on my head and on my shoulders at times it feels like its more than I can bare but I will I have to if nothing else to make me the man that she and so many others thougth I was and could be so that one day I can look back and thank them for being in my life and show them that thair time was not a waste. and this may sound like I am seeking pitty and I asure you my actions brought this so dont pitty me if anything this is my way of geting some of this out and makeing sure it is clear to other people where I stand with her emotionaly to save her some questions that she has all ready had and sould not have to stand agian things I should have been the one to explain Current Mood: raw |
| Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008 |
| 11:05 am |
update on the jake
I wont go in to much I feel it would not be right of me. but I will let you all know I am back in alaska. valpo and I just did not mix so I am back home to recoop money and plan my next move. this summer I will if all gose well be starting school part time and I am curently looking for work. not much more to say. |
| Sunday, November 11th, 2007 |
| 1:00 am |
thoughts of seattle
well I see here and think back to my time in seattle and I count it amongst the best times in my life as well as the worst. worst being seeing my father so ill and finding my self traped in a bubble unable to find work till the day before I life fuckers. now on the good side I got to hang out with one of my best friends allmost every weekend going out danceing and laughing at jokes no one else thought was funny but we understood thank for that sweety it saved my mind or at least what little I had left. I miss seattle now more than ever I miss the people and the places but I think what most brings up thougths of regret is not pushing harder to see people there that I so much wanted to Vic and Heather mostly. I should have made time to see them and I did not and for that my friends I am truely sorry perhaps next time we will get our chance. So i will leav with this thougth it dose not matter where you have been as much as the memorys you made whail you where there |
| Tuesday, September 18th, 2007 |
| 7:23 am |
its funny
you know its funny how life happons sometimes. to most people what has happoned over the last few months in my life would make them quit. now I dont find it funny that they would quit what I find funny is that I dont. I mean looking back at my life when things got hard I did quit I quit uaf most of my past relationships I let go ensted of fighting for them. now I am not saying I wish I had thouse ex girlfriends now actuly they all prepared me for my curent situations in some fucked up kind of way. I dont know in the past I allwasy talked about being the rock for people to stand on and i faltered back then I know it but now I am that rock never giveing up. I can smile when everthing around me is falling apart. i still have worries but I act insipte of them. I think it comes down to this in the last year I have finaly started growing up agian. the days of complaining about how people fucked my life are over and I am happy about that. its nice to have a little peace of mind and maybe if this keeps up I will end up being the man I allways hoped I would be. ok now on side notes I have about 3 weeks till construction on dads house is done and when thats done I am leaving state yet agian. now heres the kicker for all my uaf friends jakes going back to school next fall. what school I dont know yet there are a lot of schools where I am going I will be in valparaso in its about a hour south of chicago Il. I will leav you all with this. I love you all and wish the best for each and everyone of you. till my next post jake |
| Saturday, September 1st, 2007 |
| 10:17 am |
Atenttion
All right everyone as you all know my father had a lung trasplant. well our home is not up to him liveing in so I am back in alaska working on the house geting everything ready for his return. now here is where you come in to this as it sits now on the 15th of this month I will have flooring and need to get it put in its all simple stuff but I need help puting it in. I will be suplieing beer and food for anyone willing to come the more help the better if you have any questions call the house 9073737026 or my cell phone 907751644 |
| Tuesday, August 28th, 2007 |
| 9:15 pm |
funny conversation
by the way my handle for this chat was forgotten_priest alexis_stevens2001: are you forgotten because youve lost your faith or because you were forced out of your church Vincent Heart: I am forgotten for a lot of resions no church no fallowers and I am just as easly forgotten as a passing dream alexis_stevens2001: thats unfortunate for you...i didnt think a man of god would give up so easily Vincent Heart: oh I preach still but I preach in my own ways and of how i see things and how I fallow my god alexis_stevens2001: and how is that Vincent Heart: even if I am not behind a pulpet dose not mean I can not speak of faith and fallowing god Vincent Heart: so dose that not make me just as much a priest as a man preaching to his congragation alexis_stevens2001: i dont know alexis_stevens2001: i dont believe Vincent Heart: I see why not what is there to lose ? alexis_stevens2001: go take a job in a hospital for just one day and tell me that you still believe Vincent Heart: I worked as a emt I have a little bit of a clue alexis_stevens2001: then how do you believe Vincent Heart: how can I not if everything is just a random set of events whats the point I mean why should I save a life if it means nothing they will die sooner or later good and bad at that moment are now relative terms alexis_stevens2001: well if you believe then that means you believe god has a plan..and if god has a plan and everything is set then why bother living Vincent Heart: no see I dont think god has a plan I think he knows but we make the choices alexis_stevens2001: slidesm y hand along your thigh...im bored of this talk..how bout i just blow you instead |
| Monday, July 2nd, 2007 |
| 6:52 pm |
YES!!!!
all right up date today at ten am dad had hius lung trans plant. he is doing well. he was out of surgery by 2pm. he is doing well I am exaughted and have many phone calls to make a more indepth post about it all later on. |
| Friday, June 15th, 2007 |
| 8:29 pm |
Night out
well Here I am in seattle this is my second weekend and my second night out thank god. I am going down to the Mercurey with some friends. so have fun all I will up date you all later. oh by the way I am now in kirkland and if anyone wants to get a hold of me call the house phone here decent hourse only please the number is 4258235451 |
| Monday, June 4th, 2007 |
| 1:16 pm |
all right all I am in seattle if you need/ want to reach me my number is 9077151644 I am nexus apartmentsx next to northgate mall. and dads hospital is right in this area. |
| Sunday, May 27th, 2007 |
| 11:02 am |
I have a tecket
all right have my leav date for Seattel its the 2 of june I leav at 3 pm or so |
| Tuesday, May 22nd, 2007 |
| 12:42 am |
all right update/help needed
all right all heres the up date dad is geting a duel long trans plant dont know when but he leavs at the end of the month and I will be joining him in seattal. fun fun still dont know where I will be liveing but we will figure that out when I get down there and I know exactly where dad will be he will ether be in a uw hospital or in a rehabilation center. ok now here is where the help comes in. we are selling dads truck for Finacal reasions. its in GREAT Shape if you know anyone looking for a car we are hopeing to get $22000 for it but if you know anyone please contackt me and will give to info |
| Thursday, March 29th, 2007 |
| 9:59 am |
Update on dad
Well much has happoned since my father went in to the icu so I will try and keep this short and to the point. my father had a lot of ups and down more downs than up. he had to be intabateed witch is where the stick a tube down your throat so you can breath. he had that for ten day. at ten days it had to come out because they are breeding grounds for germs and infections seeing as it gose through the mouth. so we where left with the choice to give him a trakeotomy. so we gave him a trake and every thing seamed to be going better till last night where we had anouther set back. his feeding tube had a fuck up due to the stariods. but it has been delt with. all of this by the way is leading to one thing in the next year dad MUST have a loung transplant or he will not live. but we must get him awake and coharent so he can make that choice. |
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